To make a long story short, it all started in Canada where I meet an artist who keept me dizzy while staying at his house.

(Insert picture of me totally dizzy petting the artist’s cat while smiling selfsufficiently)

Later in Detoid it got even worse and the continous delirium started at the first day of my arrival. Not enough I got kidnapped from other kidnappers while being kidnapped, the kidnappers constantly took me around and made me party every single day. The good news is, that I still remember who kidnapped me - even in the second degree - it was always young and beautiful girls. Jaaa haaaa.

As if one week of delirum was not enough the story continued in Chicago. I’m not sure anymore wether it was girls, martians or other Aliens who kidnapped me - the only thing I still remember is that I had very much fun and an awesome time with these guys and it didn’t really matter wether they were carbon based or not. There were just beautiful to me. Jaaa haaa.

Even though these species keept me kidnapped and druged somewhere in outer space - close to Mars, I belibe - I was able - due to our advanced genetic engeneering and my third eye - to retain some really clear shots of my memories and transfered them up to our mothership for in depth analysis.

When I just thought I got my consciousness back landing here in Colorado, I had a wonderful deja vue. The girls came back. Some very were very pretty, some had already a bit of grey hair, some looked like tiny leopards with a lila leash and some even just turned Lile. I don’t know anymore what’s real or if it’s still the outer space delirium.

I’m just brainless and need your help. Please take me somewhere.

Jaaa haaa!

(Insert picture of remodeled Bonnie castle on Bonnie Island overlooking the Lawrence river here.)

Of course clever marketing is an essential part on Orangina as well as it is down here on this planet But appearantly marketing here in the US is following completely different rules. Another example next to the dressing is the historic seaway trail, which is - according to the marketing campaings of NY state - one of the most scenic byways one can take by car, bicycle or even hiking - in the whole US. Jaaa haaa.

Starting in the north east at the Lawrence river, it streches along the coastline of lake Ontario, passes Niagara and reaches down to Erie lake. Of course, since I love marketing, I had to take this “trail” down to Niagara.

Now, to be honest, this route is quite scenic because especially at the Lawrence river it’s all newley paved which is pretty much a new experience after all these pitholes further east. Probably the local Bushes wiretaped my report transmission to steering committee and didn’t like the road analogon to the third world so they fixed it quickly before I came. Hm - clever…

(Insert picture of freshly paved highway along some boaring farm landscape here.)

Anyhow, the route is also scenic for very brave bicyclers, hikers and alike that fancy to hike right on a highway with speed limits at 55mph, which thanks to the remodeled pavement even tiny vessels constantly surpass. The beauty of the trail is also that is is historic - which means that every once in a while there is an old postsign telling that there where early seddlers in that region. But probably the only historic piece in the region is the postsign itself.

Nowadays other postsigns are far more important and not as sparsely seen - the signs for National Parks - which is just another marketing trick. Jaaa haaa. Now, you might think that these “parks” are nature preserves as they are in other states. Not so in NY state. No, sorry you are completely wrong. These parks are usually nothing else but boaring campgrounds, packed with RVs, seniors and children-rich families, occuping and spoiling the once beatiful nature spots. Fortunately they pay for it as everyone else who just likes to see the area. A “dayuse fee” start mostly at bargain USD 7 - even if you come late in the evening and stay only for minutes. Well done NY, well done marketing to rip off the stupid tourist - at least.

But there are still true wonders in this world - and actually it’s even three at once. Niagara falls. Not only that Niagara falls national park is not a dump campground as one might conclude - the true wonder is that it’s even free - despite the small parking fee of just 10 bucks - and objectively it is also very spectacular and a true highlight after all the missleads on that marketing trail. To say it in short - I love the falls and had very much fun on that maid in the mist. Getting new flipflops for “the cave” was also a true breeze but not as much joy as the maid had given me.

Even I’ve uncovered some more marketing tricks on my way to Canada, I was truely surprised that Canada, which is only a bad french copy of the US acts differently in marketing - at least in one case. The relatively inexpensive hotel here in Toronto is not only Cosmopolitean but also understating it’s marketing pretty much. After booking ahead on the interstellar network, I got a nice suite with a full kitchen, washer, dryer, two lcd tvs and a small balcony on the 20th floor. None of these features was mentioned on the network. This is quite different marketing I like much better. Understated Marketing. Jaaa haaa.

(Insert picture of nice suite living room and outlook from balcony here.)

(Insert photo of insane climb on the DDD trail up to the summit.)

If I would still struggle with pimples, having rings in my nose, nipples and … while expressing myself by wearing ugly heavy metal t-shirts, then Burlington, with it’s just 40′ inhabitants the biggest city of VT, would definetely the place to stay. Unfortunately I had just past this stage of development and so was Burlington quickly past as well.

Eventualy Lake Placid, which I had to pass at the same speed, reminded me of an even earlier stage of my Orangian development when Oranginas (female young Orangians) were very much into horses and I started to feel like a stallion. Since the Oranginas wanted only ponies to ride on subconsciously I developed a strange allergy for horses. This allergy yet got worse in Lake Placid again, because this probably usually nice town was super packed with horses, humans but unfortunately no Oranginas so that there was definetely no space left for me and my allergy.

(Insert photo of crowded main street in Lake Placid and the meadows filled with tents and horses preparing for a giant horse show.)

Finally I found a cozy spot in the next town, Saranac Lake, where I spent a gorgeous day kajaking the waters, getting an UV overdose and seting up the washing mobile to prepare for a clean departure tomorrow. BTW the washing mobile is an advanced alien technology to dry off anywhere you like. Jaaa haaa!

After I couldn’t find a spot at the shoreline in Cape Ann where the grilling of Muppets was allowed, I fortunately found an equivalent delicious replacement right there. Even though this replacement reminds me a bit of a missing person from our neighbouring solar system Redinia, namely Dr. Soiberg, I found no peoccupation trying to crack the species hard shells. Jaaa haaa. The meat was juicy, sweet and tender - and dipping the meat in warm butter, along with some bluecheese spinach salat was the perfect combination together with the amazing view over the salt marsh from my balcony to say goodbye to the Ocean for quite a while.

(Insert photo of Dr. Soiberg on an Orange plate here.)

Using the terrific ancient Alien GPS technology to find the shortest route to the NH lakes region revealed a yet undiscoverd similarity the US and third world planets have in common. I figured that the road speed limits set by the local steering comittees are no limits for security purposes or just to hassel the driver. Absolutely wrong. They are soley set for informing the traveler about the maximum speed the road conditions allow to travel before an average midrange vessel breaks completely apart.
Ok, I’m already used to the Main roads it the cities, where a single average US city at the eastcoast has more pitholes and dangerous cracks than all streets of South East Asia have combined, but it was a complete new experience to run into a unpaved gravel road with roughly 40mph - and I found that the posted 30 was far more the double my vessel could go without taking severe damage.

This fact also cleans up with another preoccupation I had previously. I always thought that people riding those big SUVs are soley compensating the lack of big friends like the fisherman in a former report talked about. The case is that they indeed need those trucks either to travel to Asia or to drive at the maxium speed posted - thus it’s a simple necessity, no more. Easy.

Anyhow, after spending a beatitiful day kajaking without pitholes on the W lake no Alien can pronounce the name of, I felt like hiking in the White Mountains since weather conditions with water from above and below are inconvenient and make kajaks sink.

Another discovery I made in the mountains is about the habits of the local tourists. One might has in mind those guys spend a weekend in nature for biking, hiking or animal watching. Wrong, they don’t. Right. Since the mountain cities like North Convey or Lincoln were set up as ski resorts for the masses, the local businessmen were very clever to declare the White Mountains as “four seasons” attractions by seting up want to be Disneylands, waterparks - and of course for the bigger ladies among us - huge shopping centers and outlet malls. Great! - shopped half a day, spent almost no money, since down here you only save money while shopping, and got most of the items I was looking for. Perfect. Thank you so much for this unexpected mountain experience.

Nevertheless I found myself a very unique and cozy inn out of town and away from the Disney’s hustle and bustle called the Christmas Farming. Although I couldn’t reveal their secret about farming Christ, since they probably ony harvest once a year, I finally had some amazing hikes through the locals woods. Thanks to Christ and his mas/mess farm. Jaaa haaa.

(Insert picture of me browsing at outlet stores and ruining the new shirt later in the mud on a beautiful rainy hike.)

Fortunately even I am at work full time during my mission, I got a few days off. And since even Orangians spend their vacactions with their most loved, my Angel came by to Earth. Yes!
My lovely Angel visitied to see how my mission proceeds and we spent some amazing vacation days together. Jaaa haaa haaa!

Let me quickly resume the corse trip outline before I get into more details in the forthcoming reports.

Exploring the Big Orange after Steve renamed it to Apple was a true breeze with her. This concrete jungle was so dense that even after more than a week in a superb local appartment on the 12th floor and the quite nice outlook from the terrace would have been very boughring without the Alien support of my sweet better half.
Tripping up some island the streches quite long to meet the celebrities in the south of Hampton was an gorgous experience. After the help of some local water vessels to cross the ocean, we ended up in a very Mystic and beautifully laid back town. Continuing up the shoreline with a visit to the local Cape brought us finaly to the home of my best friend Sam. His local influence and export of his brewing technology is not the only thing we enjoyed pretty much in his home town.

After the sad goodby when my Angle flew Home today I finaly ended up where they invented the glow sticks - right in Glow-ster as the locals pronounce it, although they spell it incorrectly as Gloucester. A beautiful view overseeing the beach and the ocean is the right spot to get focused on my mission again and plan the next exploration trips ahead.

PS: Thanks to some technology transfer my Angel made possible, I mastered to get some of the most important pictures online…

Anyhow, during my beach exploration mission driving up the coast from AC to NYC I was so lucky my Alien technology steering device took me to Max by coincidence. Jaaaa haaa. Yes, Max is a friend I meet in the desert first but didn’t discover her true values at that time. She is not only a very friendly, truly beautiful and a very bright human being but also she’s also a brilliant tour guide, a perfectly funny company and a strong party animal as there is none else to compare to on this planet. After a non Muppet but equally superb dinner where we ate water animals that due to their color after cooking might be related to our planet somehow, I was very satisfied, full, drunk and completely dumb after sharing this smoky green tea we had for desert. Well done, Max, well done!

As if this was not already enough she even invited me to stay at her house, showed me the area from a local’s perspective and took me out to a very interesting, funny and unique party – on a Sunday. It was not only unique we went on Sunday but also that the party was different of what I had expected. Of course I expected a party with girls half my age, most of them drunk and almost naked. Easy prey for an Orangian. Jaaa haaa – but nothing equal or even close was the case. Instead there were mostly well build half naked male species fondling and kissing each other on the dance floor like only the Muppets do on Orangina. This was a very funny and truly unique experience – far beyond my expectations and I enjoyed this evening pretty much since I was not aware I was sooo adorable…

My simple recommendation after this hilarious days in Breadly Beach – take it always to (the) Max and you’ll have a great time. Jaaa haaa.

Addendum - unfortunately short before reaching NYC the camera of this allmighty smartphone broke. That’s why there are currently no pictures available to the stories but we get it fixed shortly. The NYC stories are not written yet. Be prepared for some brand new discoveries to come.

As there is nothing much to do after a day at the completely deserted beaches, I just fired up my new BBQ grill and relax. Of course not just me - my best friend Samuel Adams together with some chips and a big Muppet rib eye are of course part of my party. I love alien travels - and relaxations. Jaaa haaa.

Today it’s time for some brand new top secret discoveries during my travels along the beachline of NJ. A closer inspection of the Cape May suroundings clearly reveals that the steering committee has previously sent Orange agents down to Earth. It must have been at ancient times when hunting of Muppets was still allowed. Not only the leftovers of Muppet trap beacons to attract the Muppets can easily be found close to the beach but there is also a leftover of a tremendous Muppet meat cannery - the main entrance is clearly marked in Home colors. Jaaa haaa.

Moving further up the shoreline shows decent human activity on the beaches. But appearntly not to hunt Muppets but to pull out some still unspecified species off the ocean using practically invisible rope. Interestingly each time they pull a new species they compare it to a friend called Dick - and put it back into the water shortly after taking some posing shots with the animal - probably for their missing Dick.

Anyhow, even after that Dick confusion I contiuned my mission to AC - Atlantic City. This aged, run down bad copy of some vibrant desert citiy I visited during another mission is definetely a place to avoid. Unless one missed school for a couple of years and still belives the next million can easily be made at some slot machine. Even having missed the math class for a while does not necessarily mean one got blind. On the other hand this is my only conclusion why some humas don’t see the Trump imperia build from their just missed millions. This Trump trap is truely by far more clever than our ancient Muppet trap ever was. Jaaa haaa.

Anyhow, down here on Earth I found they have public holidays as well. For example they celebrate the whole weekend and Monday a day called Memorial Sale - as I found out watching TV. To be exact it’s actually Memorial OBS -
Ocean Beach Sale. And - of course - I had to participate in it to render my mission a success. Jaaa haaa.

Now, in the OBS the carbon based lifeforms clean their shit out and throw the garbage out on their yard. Easy - and even better - clever. Clever bacouse they make so called money out of it. Muppets and bypassers are asked to stop by and grab whatever they find from the garbage in exchange for small round pieces of metal or green printed paper we reproduced at an earlier time using our advanced Alien technology. Because this celebration looked like fun I took part of it and found in the waste a brand new personal BBQ table grill, a new grill fork - and even better highly sophisticated working gloves imported from Home - all in exchange for just 2.25 of that money - no bargaining necessary.

But this is still not the full story - of course. These humans start even to give out freshly BBQed Mupped meat for Memorial OBS too. Appearantly totally illegal but the don’t care at all since it’s for the OBS. Incredible but true.

I simply love the Memorial OBS but haven’t found out yet if there is even more about it. Stay tuned on this channel for an update.

Today I even discovered two things at once we can learn from America. On Orangina we still use plenty of robots and machinery since Muppets to work in the household are diffcult to obtain nowadays. Here in the US they’ve rendered some of the machinery simply useless and superseed it with even higher advanced technology - probably imported from Yellowina.

To give you an example they don’t wash dishes by hand nor use Muppets or a dishwasher down here anymore. No. They have self inflating - and probably self deflating dishes for breakfast - at least in this highly advanced zero star motel. The clue is that you just grab a plate, use it and put it in a deflation container. What then happens and how it’s going to be cleand and inflated afterwards is still a mystical secret to me - but I’ll hopefully find out and bring this truely Superalien technology back home.

Along with this discovery goes another cool invention I was part experiencing of today. Its about how to reduce personal energy spending during a kajak trip. It’s simple and smart: Just take the vessel put it into some bigger Virtual Antimateria Nuclear power driven ship - in short van. Then take it up the river to let the smaller vessel float down with the current and let the passenger enjoy the trip without wasting energy. Simple, effective and very much fun.

These both cases show true American nature and I love it very much. Jaaa haaa.